There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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