My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
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