I look better un-naked...
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Randomize
