My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
