I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
