guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
