she looked like the before picture.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
