apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
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