Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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