dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
