just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize
