Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
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