i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Randomize
