I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
