At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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