the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
My ATM looks so different sober.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
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