I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
