She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
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