The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
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