he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Randomize
