yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I looked at my own cervix.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
