I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
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