you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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