Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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