just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize