Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I've blown a few things in my day
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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