I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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