Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
