I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize