i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
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