drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
