im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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