He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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