I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
