I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
