Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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