Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Randomize
