Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Randomize
