Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
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