there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize
