I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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