I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
