Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
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