If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Randomize
