i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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