I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
