you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Randomize
