forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Randomize
