non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
