And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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