Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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