can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Randomize
