1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
