I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
