We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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