PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
