drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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