i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
