You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
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