Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
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