The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
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