I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
