I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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