She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
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