How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
