I'm jealous of your bromance
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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